The Three Monkeys

You know those three monkeys: See, Speak, and Hear no evil.  They are rather funny and cute.  Anything to do with monkeys is funny.  Those three monkey tenets are what we should be doing on a daily basis.

Three things to remember is way better than ten things to remember.  Ten Commandments versus the Three Monkeys.  A no brainer. Not that there is anything wrong with the Ten Commandments! 

See no evil.  I like that one.  It covers a lot of area.  Evil is a broad encompassing term.  I'm petty sure evil is stuff that should be off limits to humans.  Here is my list of some of the things I find quite evil: murder, cruelty, hate, abuse, neglect, greed, hunger, filth.  I'm pretty sure the monkeys think we should always make sure that evil things do not happen, that way we won't have to look at it. According to the monkey, one should have no evil to see.

Speak no evil.  Another good one.  Evil words have started wars.  Evil words destroy.  Kind words teach and build.  There is power in speaking.  We speak with our hearts and with our mouths.  I'm thinking we should all probably pay more attention to what we are saying.  Speak is a pretty smart monkey.

Hear no evil.  This one got me thinking.  What does evil sound like?  I think it sounds like hate.  I think it sounds like lies.  I think it sounds like gossip.  The monkeys are wanting us to not sit around and listen to evil stuff.  Sit, as in to do nothing.  We are to stop the sounds of hate.

Without saying a word, those three monkeys have pretty much said it all.

Sayings....

Mess not with the cook, for she has powers yet to be shown and you have opposing thumbs.  See that sink full of dirty dishes?

Life is full of events.  Some fortunate, some not so fortunate.  So, hold your family near and choose your friends with care.

Love is what makes everything bearable, even if only for a moment. I'll take moments.

The cook don't cook what the cook don't like.

Use your super powers.  We all have them.

A messy cook is a happy cook, for she has help.

Act like you really love them, then, you will.

Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil.

Marriage vows are a good plan. When it gets rough, refer to the plan.

.....and they lived happily ever after.

Today is the mark of thirty nine years of being married.  We laugh about it.  Thirty nine years is a heck of a long time, even in dog years.  In some cultures, it's a lifetime.  In other cultures, it is a career.

Many of my friends have asked to know "the secret" to our marriage.  My answer, there is no secret.  If there were, there would be no more divorces, no more marriage counselors, and golden anniversaries would be the norm.

I was eighteen and he was barely nineteen when we said "I do".  On that day, we had known each other for a total of five months.  I thought I would burst with the love I had for him.  I could not love him any more than I did that day, or so I thought.  I was quite wrong on that one.  I do, indeed, love him more today than that yesterday of thirty nine years ago.

Here is how I would describe our marriage.  It is kind of like a well run company.  Instead of money for capital, we had love.  Love is what runs our company called marriage.   Sounds rather simple, doesn't it?  It really is. When you love someone, that love affects how you treat each other.  It also affects decision making.  If the love runs low, problems and issues are magnified.  If the love runs high, problems and issues are just small bumps in the road.  Our wedding vows were our business plan.  We stuck to them. 

As in a well run, well capitalized business, commitment is key.  Total commitment to the plan, to the goal, to each other.  When in doubt, go to the plan.  One person cannot do it all.  Where one is weak, the other is strong.  What one can't fix, the other can. Over time, the company grows.  A well run company will increase in assets and value.  And so it is with our marriage.

It's really hard not to get all maudlin and mushy when thinking about the last four decades. I think of all of our accomplishments.  I think of our dreams that have come to fruition.  I think of every time zone and country we have made love in.  Yes, I think about those things!

At this point in our marriage and our lives, we still have goals.  We still look forward to the next adventure.  We still have dreams yet to come true.  We still have more time zones and countries to........

Reminders of Love

I was reminded by my dad the other day.  Not reminded of, but reminded by.  I got into my car and briefly smelled my dad.  It brought a smile to my face.  It was a smell of cigarettes and whiskey.  Not an unpleasant odor by any means, even though it sounds rather icky. It is the way my dad smelled.  He smoked Camel cigarettes and loved his whiskey.  It's not that same smell of stale smoke, alcohol, and cologne you smell upon walking into an old bar.  This was my dad.  Fresh tobacco, a light scent of an American whiskey, and a smile.  Yep, that was my dad.

My car has never had cigarette smoke in it.  I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a decade.  And, no opened alcohol of any kind has been in my car.  In fact, my dad has never been in my car.  You see, he passed on quite some time ago.  Before the new VW bugs were ever designed.

I like to think of this event as a visit.  Much like the visits I have in my dreams.  Sometimes, those people I have loved who have passed on, show up in my dreams.  When I wake up after having such a dream, I have such a good feeling.  You would think I would have sadness, but I don't.  I have been visited by each and every one of those loved ones at one time or another.

These little visits are reminders of love.  Love that is not gone because someone dies.  Love that is not gone because we cannot see nor touch that person.  Just plain and pure love. Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

Passing of the Baton

I was in the kitchen, bright and early making pasta salad for the party in the country tonight.  My dear friend has a country house and hired a local Kansas City blues band, Levee Town, to play. We all call it Blues-a-Palooza in the Country. I tried to think how much fun it was going to be.  I tried to think of bonfires and wine and cigars and food. I tried to keep the tears at bay.  My mind kept going to Betty.

We had a death in the family yesterday and I was thinking about all that goes with the event, while chopping vegetables.  How much I loved her and how much she loved me and my family, how fun she was and how much laughter she brought to the entire family.  She was the cousin of my mom-in-law.  That makes her my husband's second cousin, my daughter's third cousin, and my grand children's fourth cousin.  Her adult children grew up with my husband.  They now have grandchildren. I've lost track of the continuing cousin levels.  No need to know.  All I know is, we are family and we are all saddened.

We will gather in the country to grieve together, laugh together, eat together, and just hang on to each other.  It's what a family does.  This may very well be the last country funeral I will ever attend. (By the way, country funerals are very different from city funerals.  I will describe in another post) She is the last of the relatives to live in Walnut Grove, population 600.  Even the name of the town stirs up images of a small town much like the Walnut Grove in the Laura Ingalls Wilder stories.  It is not the same one, however, it shares all of the characteristics of Laura's Walnut Grove.

The family members, on our limb of the family tree, were called last night with the news of the death.  They will need to be called again as more information is available.  There will be a dinner at the church on Sunday.  The ladies of the church need a head count.  Flowers will need to be ordered.  Family members will need to be called again with all the particulars of the dinner, visitation, and funeral.  I will be handling all of this as the representative of our part of the family tree.  Thank goodness for email, texting, cell phone, and land line.

I have been handed the baton of the matriarch of the family.  I now realize it.  It's been coming on for quite some time now.  More and more family gatherings at my house.  Family members asking me for the latest update of other family members. Holiday central is right here.  And, I have become a caregiver for both the mom and dad of my husband.  But, today, it's official.  My husband's mother asked me to order the flowers for the family.  Yep, in this family, that would be the indication of the leadership roll.

My mom-in-law had all sons.  No daughters.  I have been married to her oldest son for almost thirty nine years.  I am now caring for the parents of my husband.  They raised the nicest human being I have ever known.  They are the grandparents to my daughter.  They are the great grandparents to my grandchildren. It is an honor, and a lot of work, to care for them.  I am very close to them. 

In the past, whenever there was a death of a family friend or relative, she would call with the news and then call again with the particulars.  She would make a point to tell us that she had taken care of the flowers for the family.  For a long time, I didn't really know what that meant.  One time, when they were living almost two hundred miles away, in the height of their busy retirement years, I had taken it upon myself to order some flowers from just us.  It was for the funeral of a mutual friend. A few days after that funeral, she informed me that she had ordered flowers....for the family.  Not knowing it was the unwritten rule of the family for her to do that,  I told her I too had ordered flowers for us.  The look on her face was one of shock and disbelief.   Uh oh, I had over stepped the boundaries of the funeral rules of the family.  From that day on, she always made it a point to tell me that she was doing the flowers.  End of funeral flower discussion. 

Today was different.  I had called to check on her, knowing she had a fretful night.  She and her cousin were like the sisters neither of them had.  They were around each other as much as possible as they grew up.  They lived close to each other when they married and raised their families.  They have always remained close, up to the end.  She was doing pretty good.  She asked about all the family members I called and what their plans were.  She wanted to make sure they all knew how to get to Walnut Grove and did they know where the church was.  I just said they knew.  I didn't have to go into an explanation of Mapquest, Google Maps, cell phones, texting, or GPS.  Then, she asked me what kind of flowers to send.  Mind you, this is the lady who had been ordering funeral flowers since the baton was passed to her after her own mom had passed!  I told her I thought something very sweet and feminine would be nice.  She then asked if I would take care of it.  At that point, right then and there, I knew I was the official matriarch of the family.  The go to person, the confidant, the soother of hurt feelings, information central.  The Top Mom.  Holy shit!  This is for real.